Godfrey's Guide

allow me to share a dream I recently had which I will call "The Sad Ballad of Sarah P.":

WHICH HAPPENS TO BEGIN WITH SARAH PALIN BEING AWAKENED...
 BY THE FLATULENT SOUND OF HER OWN ESCAPING RECTAL GAS as she slid herself of of the bed and moodily began to make her way into the kitchen to make herself some peppermint tea.  The hallway was claustrophobic and ill-lit so Sarah paused for a moment and leaned back against the wall as something which looked as if it were a rather pudgy elephant flew past her with a nasty scowl on the way toward the bathroom.  It turned out that Newt Gingrich had gas too.  He clambered through the bathroom door and found himself in a small room, which was also ill-lit.  An acrid odor was drifting up from the seat of the toilet, so Newt backed out of the bathroom and farted in the hallway, only to see a frightening reptilian creature heading his way who turned out to be Dick Cheney whispering, You too?  Yes, Newt replied and then Dick said, Do you think it was the boiled moose meat or the au gratin potatoes ?
  

  Reince Priebus who was the guest of honor and Ted Cruz happened to be in the kitchen at the same time that Dick and Newt were in the hallway and Reince was saying to Ted, I don't know about you, but I find that being around Sarah is pretty exhausting.  I mean, she never says anything at all that makes any sense.  It's like her tongue is full of junk mail.  Besides that, I've never had such godawful food, she's a lousy cook.  It was then that Ted immediately whirled around in his chair and stared into the utterly vacant eyes of Sarah who had just entered the kitchen with a rifle in her hand.  Reince suddenly had strange jumps in his brain-wave patterns and Sarah just stood there in stone-cold silence with the rifle pointed at the both of them and then she felt as if she were about to have another case of escaping gas and quickly departed.


  All along what one would normally call normal had yet to happen.  It had been confusing.  Particularly when each guest had nervously read the sign on the front door: Enter At Your Own Risk on the evening before and saw Sarah sitting inside in the darkened living room  quietly glaring at them and saying to each of them as they entered, I'm not altogether sure that I want you here.  Let's be straight here.  If you say something that I can't understand or am unable to pronounce or know something I don't know anything about, I'm afraid I couldn't have that, so I would suggest that you don't point it out to me.  And last but not least, whenever I say that I can see Russia from here I want you to scoot to the window and look out and pretend that you can see Russia too. 

  After an initial flurry of opening hellos later that afternoon, Newt and Dick and Reance and Ted greeted the new arrival in the living room as Sarah began preparing lunch in the kitchen.  It soon became apparent that the new arrival had taken note of the odd odor which emanated throughout the entire house.  You must have eaten her moose meat last night, Michele Bachmann said.  She then took a sandwich out of her purse and unwrapped the paper towel around it and laughed and stepped forward and added, I always bring my own food whenever she invites me over to eat.  They sat for awhile, peacefully waiting for her to chew on her tuna sandwich and swallow.  While all of this was happening in the living room, Sarah had just about finished preparing her cream-of-possum stew and Dick Cheney swept his hands through what was left of his blow-dried thinning hair, tugged at his upper-lip in order to keep his upper-denture in place.

  He then stood up and walked to the corner of the room and made a secretive cell phone call.  They all knew that he was the most miserable bastard on the face of the Earth and that he was up to something and whatever that something was it wasn't good.  Lightening flitted through the darkening sky through the window behind him as he sat back down and made him look even more evil than ever.  It was then that Sarah entered the dining room with a huge plate full of creamy possum with a side dish of stewed-tomatoes.

  After a disgusting lunch spent attempting to hide small portions of possum meat in their napkins, and being forced to eat more of it than they wished to eat, Newt tried everything he could think of to excuse himself from the table, and the more things he tried, the less successful he was.  Reince and Ted just shrugged and kept on eating and Dick pretended that he had fallen asleep while Michele  sat on the living room sofa and smiled at all of them.

  And then, a mere five-seconds after the dishes had been cleared by Sarah, the sound of helicopters were heard flying overhead.  The room began to wobble as the copters sirens began to blare and the rapid-fire cannons blasted at random out in the yard.  This prompted Sarah to go and peer out the window as  Cheney opened his eyes and gave a small smile.  Newt, like most of the overpaid and unscrupulous politicians, made a point of diving under the dining table only to find that Ted had gotten under it before he arrived.  Stunned by this realization, he headed toward the corner of the room where Reince sat crying like hell as Michele went down on her knees and folded her hands and began to pray.  So Newt joined her.  He prayed too.  Everything went terribly still for a moment before the dog went berserk with barking, prancing up and down, yapping its little heart out, beside itself in ecstatic rage just before Sarah turned away from the window and grabbed her rifle and shot at it just as the dog disappeared around the corner and headed for the kitchen. 

  It was at that moment when Dick Cheney stood up and announced: That was just a warning, Sarah.  A shot across the bow, so to speak.  The next time you invite me into your home I had better be the guest of honor or I'll blow all of you to hell-and-back!   Sarah then slowly lifted her rifle and aimed it and fired it at Dick.  Dick grabbed at his shoulder as he flew across the room and bounced off of the wall and then landed on top of Reince, who was still crying like hell.  The wounded Dick had a startled look on his face and Reince was gasping or air because Dick had not only landed atop his face but allowed a smallish fart to escape as he did so and it was then that Reince began to wet himself.  Ted was crawling out from under the dining room table and  Sarah was now staring down at Reince and Dick with such intensity that she hardly seemed to notice the gaping hole in Dick's  left shoulder.  Then suddenly she shook her head, dropped the rifle, and disappeared quickly into the bathroom.  She emerged a moment later, all smiles and wearing a red-white-and-blue sun hat and came tripping into the dining room with extraordinary lightness.  I just had to pass a little gas, she said.

  Sarah looked around and sensed that something was wrong and was somewhat disappointed to see that nobody else was in the room.  She popped another Gas-X tablet into her mouth and began to chew.  She peered out the window.  It was raining now.  A moment or two later she heard the revving oar of an automobile engine and saw Newt attempting to shift the gear of her Range Rover and then spotted her other guests squeezed into the front and back seats.  The rain was making a dirty spatter against the windshield.  Swish flop swish flop swish flop swish flop and then one of the wiper blades flew off.  Newt pounded at the steering wheel, kicked the floor, and swore and swore and swore and swore.  His fury was peaking and he told Reance to stop crying and Dick to stop complaining about a little shoulder wound just as the radio began to play a speech by Barack Obama. 

  It was at that very moment that there loomed in the headlights, hardly visible through the splatter of rain, a figure by the roadside.  Newt rolled down his window a bit to get a better look.  The poor bedraggled figure turned out to be Rick Perry wearing a rain-soaked Stetson who immediately recognized Newt. Am I too late for the party? he asked and then added, It took me awhile to figure out where Alaska was.   He peered into the car and then said, What the heck's wrong with Dick?
  


  Newt shook his head grimly, gave a heavy sigh, rolled up the window, and sped-off as he said, The poor miserable bastard doesn't know what he's in for.  And Michele added, What do you expect?  The little prick is from Texas.  George Bush and Ted are both from Texas, said Newt.  That's exactly my point! replied Michele.  Ted thought it best not to reply to her remark because way down deep he was afraid of Michele after she once informed him that she was certain that he was a poof-ball hiding  in the closet and thought she might tell on him and when Ted told Newt about that a moment or two after her remark Newt began to laugh so hard that he almost pooped his pants.  Luckily there was a 7-11 ahead and he quickly pulled to a stop.  


  Newt hadn't done this sort of thing for a while, at least not deliberately, he now had to use a public toilet. The trick, he thought to himself, is to just close his eyes.  He did.  And a moment later he slipped off of the toilet and fell to the floor.  He opened his eyes and saw a Snickers bar wrapper floating above him and after a seemingly long moment of doubt and indecision he finally figured it out.  If the wrapper was some sort of a sign from God then it was probably time to give it another try.  This time with his eyes wide-open.  It worked.  He now felt he could speak about public toilets with authority and perhaps make a little extra coin by writing a book about it.  It was then he stepped on something that was wet and squidgy.  It was the Snickers bar wrapper.  He stepped on it again.  He wriggled and turned and once again fell flat on the floor.  Newt had broken his ankle.  An ambulance came.  The Alaskan State Police arrived.  The police saw the wounded Dick inside of the car.  And they were all placed under arrest.

  Meanwhile, Sarah was still at the window when she spotted Rick Perry trudging through the mud up toward the house. She immediately ran out her back door and skipped through the rain and into the barn .  Luckily, there was a stall in the barn where she had hidden a yellow and green scooter that Donald Trump had given her.  She hopped on it and revved it up and drove out the rear door.  She knew that she could longer cope with things at home. 


  And, in an astonishing reversal of normal practice in the conduct of such matters, after the police had caught up with her in Anchorage a couple of days later because Newt had ratted her out  and after she had been arrested for attempting to kill a former Vice President of the United States and after  she had gone to trial and after been convicted  and after she had served her 25 year prison sentence and after her husband divorced her; when all of that was over  done and with, it seemed to her that all that had happened to her on her trek around the track of life that the  music had forever gone out of her and she would never have rectal gas again which eventually would cause her belly to balloon-up like crazy.

 
  If there is a point to this story, it is the rumor that Rick Perry wandered about inside of Sarah's house for almost a month with Sarah's dog constantly snapping at his heels  before he finally figured out that there was nobody home but somehow failed to find his way back to Texas and later lost his bid to become the Governor of Alaska with Sarah's dog at his side and then went to work as a short-order cook at an Anchorage Denney's while   Reince and Ted eventually became partners in a fertilizer store just across the street from where Rick worked with the sign above the door: "Come On In: If you want bullshit, we've got plenty." 

  As for Newt, for many years thereafter he would be spotted eating nachos as he gazed out at the Atlantic while making sandpipers along the margin of the shore, idly pawing in the sand hunting for candy wrappers in the hope that he would one day get another sign from God; and would then toil in the evening as a stand-up comedian in Michele's book shop after she had paused to lead everyone in a moment of prayer.  It was filled with shelves that were decorated in tasteful interior-designed pinkish colors and a couple of odd three-legged tables with circular tops filled to the brim with copies of the one-armed and 99 year-old Dick Cheney's latest book, "I Will Give You A War If You Will Fight It For Me - a beginners guide on how to become a guy like me," which had yet to sell a single copy...

  ...Curiously, however,  the question as to whether or not the somewhat familiar-looking  lady with the considerably  bloated belly eventually became a Nun in Nome or a Madam in  Moosejaw remains unanswered to this very day...